The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
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Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
🤣
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
This is what makes twitter great
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Digital security in Ancient Troy
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth