My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
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Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda