911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
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Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs