Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
You Might Also Like
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so