Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
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I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]