I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
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(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
uncle dave has been through hell
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.