On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
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[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
this will hang in the louvre one day
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*