If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
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All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Sing it!
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.