(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
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PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.