Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
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*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
*cough*
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game