Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
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Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.