“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
You Might Also Like
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm