[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
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My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
can’t wait til they legalize outside