COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
You Might Also Like
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
why would tinder want me to say this
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Breaking news:
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Breaking news:
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second