Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
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*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don鈥檛 remember
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke鈥檚 at 7
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…馃憞
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What鈥檚 best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It鈥檚 better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.