When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
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Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card