3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
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People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
B
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Who’s your best friend?
me irl
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???