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I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.