*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
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Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
also my go-to takeaway order
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
bias laundering edition
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?