19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
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The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Somebody’s lying.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Velcrow
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.