The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
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Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.