Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
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booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
who did the taste test?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Air conditioning – not a fan
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Chemical wingman