big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
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Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I was up all night reading about insomnia
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.