Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
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“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain