Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
You Might Also Like
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
A leaf blower, but for people.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*