I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
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In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice