Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
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Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.