[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
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Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
No laws when master is gone
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.