[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
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guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
This meal prepping shit is easy
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste