A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
You Might Also Like
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.