[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
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[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
It’s an epidemic…
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this