I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
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I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute