Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
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13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
#JohnTravolta
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.