“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
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I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.