There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
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I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Yup!
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked