Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
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*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
They must have gotten it to go.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
everyone has that one prude friend
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time