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OMG DAD WAT?
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Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Oh the world we live in…
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
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The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.