[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
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I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.