At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
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[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
gf: its over I can鈥檛 be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it鈥檚 side against the wall*
detective: where鈥檚 that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I鈥檝e been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
This is Sparta
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us馃槫
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn鈥檛 wanna cancel
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.