Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
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Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.