baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
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Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”