Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
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How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Those are good neighbors.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I needed a laugh this morning.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.