My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
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Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.