Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
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Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”