Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
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Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home