And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
You Might Also Like
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.