My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
You Might Also Like
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
We found love in a hopeless place.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.