NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
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I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.