When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
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“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
when you don’t want to be too vague
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]