(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
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H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
beware of dog
(jukin media)